Money can’t buy happiness but it can buy antidepressants and therapy

Image source: https://www.njlifehacks.com

I started taking antidepressants and seeing a therapist earlier this year. For a while, I struggled with the decision of whether or not to start medication, as I’m sure a lot of people do, and am still unsure about how long to stay on it. Unlike physical illnesses, where diagnosis is relatively straightforward, it’s not clear that I need antidepressants—I managed to live this long without them after all. I tend to think I’m just an anxious person, rather than someone ‘with anxiety’ and that although I’m prone to feeling sad, my sadness is usually not without reason. I’m just sensitive, not depressed. 

My reluctance to be medicated is twofold: First, there’s the guilt for taking the easy way out. To be clear, I think people with depression should take advantage of medication—I’m just not convinced of whether I’m depressed or just sad. It feels a bit like if an able-bodied person took a handicapped parking spot or something, although of course I know that’s completely irrational and relief of my mental suffering doesn’t affect anyone’s well-being but mine. Second, there’s the existential threat that other medications don’t pose. While I was on the therapeutic dosage of antidepressants, I didn’t necessarily feel unlike myself, but like a fortified version of me. I felt practically superhuman in my emotional resiliency and almost alarmed at how calm and anxiety-free I felt. I watched movies that I’d usually have bawled over with no more than a sniffle.

When I started tapering off the full dose, the sadness crept back and it was familiar and strangely comforting in some morbid way. I discussed with my therapist how this lingering sadness (tendency towards melancholia?) had been a part of my life for some time now. It seemed merged with my identity at this point, which is an extremely depressing thought. And while it may feel like the sadness is familiar and that it tends to fuel my creativity, why wouldn’t I want to be rid of it? Why shouldn’t I? Because everyone deserves a shot at happiness, right?